Why is it so heartbreaking to be lonely?
I ponder whilst upholstery
Meets with me in a bus seat
On my way to buy laundry
Detergent. The kind my sister uses.
And it occurs to me,
(As it does at these worst times)
That it hurts having no one.
It hurts having had someone,
And intentionally pushing them away.
I've pushed a lot of people away.
But I did want them to stay,
Just, not stay and look at me
The way I look at myself.
So, now I'm lonely.
And I like it this way at times.
When a new show consumes
My nights and music fills
My days- I'm lonely but
Not completely alone.
I have my shows to see
And music to listen to.
And I'm whole for the time being
Pale water blankets my skin,
It blankets my tanning skin,
The coolness is a contrast
To the heat of the sun.
It hammers my head and is
Inescapable; warmth is
My eyes see white-
White light, white pool floor
White sun. White hot.
Summer is warmth and coolness
That I can't escape
And it feels like an umbrella.
Feb 27 2022
He grabs me by my collar,
Hands rough and unforgiving.
He pulls me close to him, bitter breath
And bitter expression.
He stares me down and says,
"You aren't enough, you're small.
You want what you want but
Can't accept it.
You're hooked on a dream
That shattered when you reached for it.
If you could will the bones within you
To fold in on themselves like an accordian, you would.
You'd do it in a moment.
And i'm just the messenger."
He lets go, his stale and sour breath
Lingering in the air between us.
I begin to weep because he's right
And I'm wrong. The heavy continues to
Be heavier. I can't escape his foul words.
I reach for help and crave light.
I catch glimpses like a fish underwater.
I crave light but it seems so far away
And so impossible.
I feel small because my problems must be, right?
I must be too much or not enough.
That's the chaotic balance I lured myself
Into when I began to listen to that man
With sunken eyes and foul breath.
I listened to him one too many times
And now I'm wrong and he's right.
P.S. I’m published!!
Read my poem and others by many other talented poets in “Turning the Corner: Unity” by Eber & Wein Publishing, 2022 publication.
Oct 31, 2021
I’m unsure of myself.
I’m scared of what others might think.
I used to be a bold tiger,
But now I’m just a slug.
I consider myself a human
And sure, that means I’ve got a soul,
But oftentimes I question
what that means
And for what and what for.
I’m unsure of who I was.
Memory doesn’t serve me right,
In fact, it doesn’t serve me at all-
I struggle with the simple recalls
And mocked when sand resurfaces.
I’m unsure. I’m unsure. I’m unsure.
I’m secure in the fact that with closure
I’ll figure it out.
It’ll take time, but for now
I think that surety is something
I’ll dream about and hope for
Until I am sure.
Oct 21, 2021
Pebble and shell (shattered) scratch
inside my eyes.
My heart sags less- hopefulness- not stressed
Hypnotized or hypothesized?
I feel new, grand, rewritten.
A pull on one muscle tweaks two to be risen.
I stretch out a finger,
all four of them glisten
In moonlight that reveals to me -plainly- a vision.
My tail rocks wall and wall- the cave I'm in's
As I gaze up, the yellow moon expands and bloats
As a prism…
A yellow moon above my snout shouts,
“A new life is given"
And from a pit, the amazing dragon rose.